AuburnChick's Adventures

Jealousy.

It’s ugly, and it always seems to appear when you least expect it.

This morning, I was wearing my Mom hat, taking care of school business for the kids.  Chicky is having some transcript issues, and Rooster needed a class dropped…tasks that required me to go to the high school.

While I stood, completing paperwork that I’d previously had no idea needed to be completed, a woman and her daughter walked in.

The gal who was working in the guidance office shrieked with joy when she saw the woman, and they had the following conversation:

“Oh, So-and-So, I hear you’re going to be with us this year.  When I saw your name on the list (pointing to one of the administrator’s office), I said, ‘I know her.'”

“Yeah, I’m not sure if she (pointing to her daughter) is going to be so happy that I’m here since the one thing she told me when applying for jobs is to stay away from this school.”

“Ah, well, she’s going to love having you on campus.  The first year, you’ll be a comfort for her, and she’ll ignore you the next three years, unless she needs something.  Then, you’ll be here if she needs you.”

Now, if you’re new to my blog, let me lay out a few points for you:

1.  I graduated from college two summers ago.

2.  I have been looking for a teaching position ever since.

3.  I started subbing in the school system to get my face seen and gain experience in the classroom since I did not have the benefit of student teaching during college.

4.  During the first four months of subbing, I was working at another job, part-time.  My boss was WONDERFUL and allowed me to sub two days a week while still holding down the other job since it paid so much better and sub work was not plentiful at the time.

5.  During that fourth month of subbing, I was laid off from my lucrative-paying job (thank you, economy-that-is-now-in-the-toilet).  So, I started subbing as full-time as I could.

6.  Because I take pride in my work and actually like teenagers and am consistent and do a good job and am reliable (lovely sentence, eh?), I started getting a lot of subbing jobs.

7.  During the last two years, I have gotten myself certified to teach two subjects – Social Sciences 6-12 (killer of a certification test because of the scope of subjects that social science encompasses, by the way) and English 6-12.

8.  Despite applying and interviewing for quite a few jobs, I still have not secured a regular teaching position.

9.  A few weeks ago, I was told by two people that they could not take a chance on a first-year teacher (aka Your’s Truly).

Now, let’s back up one day.  Let me tell you what happened yesterday.

I was at the school picking up report cards and volunteer forms when I saw one of my dear friends working.  This lady truly is wonderful…such an inspiration to me.  She asked me why I wasn’t applying for positions.  I knew she meant a couple that had been advertised for the school.

I told her that I had applied.  She seemed surprised because there had been interviews going on all day.

Um, yeah.

Silence.

I had not even gotten called.

But honestly, I expected that.  I had applied for an English position even though I knew my chances were slight to none.  I figured that it couldn’t hurt to try.  You just never know.

I am ever the optimist.

Ok, so now we’re up to speed.

There is a point to this story, I promise.  Let me tie everything together.

Taking into account what I’d been told a few weeks ago with what I heard yesterday with the woman coming into the office today…well…it was not pretty for me on the inside.

You see, jealousy rushed in like a loaded freight train, and I was standing in the middle of the tracks, ignoring the warning horn that begged me to move out of the way.

Well, that’s not true, exactly.  I think I knew what was coming, but I was paralyzed.  I felt trapped by my feelings, wanting so badly to bolt but choosing to stay rooted in that spot.

And I was mowed down.

I am so ashamed.

In my heart of hearts, I know that God is in control.  I know He has a plan for my life…every single part of it.

But the human side of me felt totally left out this morning.

I so badly want to be the one that people are welcoming.

Gosh.  That sounds so selfish, eh?

Maybe it is.

I wonder…is jealousy something we can prevent?

Probably not.

What we can prevent is wallowing in that jealousy.

As I type this, I am getting a mental image of a pig wallowing around in mud.  Pigs do this.  It is their nature.  The mud is soothing.

Could it be that wallowing in jealousy soothes our need for self-pity?

Ugh.  Shame on me!

Nope.  I am not going to do this.

I am going to crawl out of the Jealousy Mud Bath, rinse myself off by confessing my sin, and move on.

As a Christian, I should be less concerned with my wants and more concerned with God’s.  As long as I am in the center of His will (I have a lot of shimmy-ing to do to get there), then it doesn’t matter if another person gets a job that I’d love to have.

It is about glorifying God.

Indulging in self-pity and jealousy won’t cut it.

Ok.  I feel better.  Confession really is good for the soul!

Filed under: Christian | Tagged: Christianity, jealousy, pigs |