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You Might Be a Redneck If…

You use a toilet tank cover to plug a hole under your fence.

Yes folks, you read that correctly.

Why do I have a toilet tank cover, you might be asking?  Well, remember that I have three, four-legged escape artists living in my home.

I’m sure you remember my recent story about my dogs digging under the gate.  The plywood seems to have done the trick because I no longer have neighbors knocking on my door to inform me that my dogs are running the Indy 500 down the street.

Today, I was minding my own business inside the house when all of a sudden I heard Molly and Aubie bark.  This wasn’t their “I see a squirrel bark.” Just like I always knew when my children’s cries meant they were hurt, i know when my dogs’ barks mean that one of the crew has escaped.  That was what the barks meant this afternoon.

I opened the door and, surprisingly, Molly followed Aubie to the door.  This NEVER happens.  She usually waits for the escapee to return before making her dash through the escape hatch.

Securing the two dogs inside the house, I looked over at the fence to find Pele, my almost 80-pounder, turned on his side squeezing his way back into our yarn…through a hole half his size.  One of my former neighbors, who had watched this scene played out many times, compared it to a cow giving birth.  Too funny, I tell you.

I couldn’t use plywood again because we have to leave it in the garage in case another hurricane heads our way, which is looking like a distinct possibility.  As I stood in the middle of my garage, I tried desperately to use my imagination.

Hmmm…I stood scratching my head…what could I use…

As I walked around, I spied the lid to a toilet tank.  Aha!  Big, thick…the dogs will never get past it.  I carried it outside and showed Rockin’ Rooster.  That boy laughed so hard.  I imagine he thought I had lost my mind as I stood there explaining my plans while holding that white thing.

The toilet tank cover only filled in part of the hole…can you believe it????  For the other part, we used the top of a George Foreman grill — the round part that you grill on.

Yeah, I know.  I’m a dork.  But hey, you’ve got to give me some credit.  Rednecks might be strange, but we are ingenious!

Oh, and you might be wondering where the rest of toilet is located.

No, it’s not sitting in my front yard.  I’m not THAT much of a redneck.  The plumber took it back with him when he replaced it (it was cracked).  He left the cover “just in case.”

“Just in case” happened today.

Martha Stewart Would Faint

As you are all probably aware, I’m not exactly the most suave gal. My cooking skills are…well…lacking. Actually, I can’t stand to cook. My cleaning skills are…well…lacking. I can’t stand to clean. My gardening skill are…well…lacking. Just take a look at my yard.  I’m sure the neighbors wish I would grow myself a green thumb or hire a gardener.

I think you get the point (and you’re probably wondering exactly what I do with myself when I get home).

You see, when you walk into your house after work and find this…

in your dining room…

…you know that Martha Stewart hasn’t been decorating your home.

Youngest Chicklet decided to relocate his drum set out of his room. He wanted more space…to do what, exactly, I have no idea. So, he decided to redecorate my dining room. The dining room table is no longer centered below the light fixture. Oh no…it’s almost in the middle of my house now.

Although I am a very strict mom, for some reason this type of thing does not bother me. I mean, we’ve already put this…

…in our den.

What in the world is it? Well, it’s the ping pong table we bought for Youngest Chicklet’s birthday last month. Of course, Mr. AuburnChick couldn’t buy some cheap-o brand. Oh no. He went out and bought one of the finest. We wanted something that could be folded up and tucked away in a corner.

Somehow, the more $$ you spend, the bigger the table.

We tried putting it in the garage. No go. With Soccer Chick driving (with only her permit, though), we never know which vehicle we’re taking out of the garage. She prefers to drive the Jeep. I take the other car to work. Plus, the instruction manual clearly states that the table must be stored indoors.

Great.

So, I rearranged a bit of furniture to make room for the table. At least it’s accessible when the Chicklets’ friends come over. That was the main reason why we shelled out the dough for it.

So now we have a drum set and a ping pong table centrally located in our not-very-big house.  When you add a knitter’s stuff to the mix, you have a problem.

Throw in a little yarn here…

…and there…

…And here…

…And here (this one is messy…it stays hidden in the bedroom)…

…And here…

Well, you get my point. Martha Stewart would pass out at my audacity.

Oh, she’d like the yarn, at least some of it. I have some fine skeins in there. But it’s obvious that I do not have the gift of interior design. My goal is to keep the yarn as far away from the dogs as possible. Beyond that, I don’t really care too much what the arrangements look like.

Yep…living in my house is like digging into a box of assorted chocolates. Always an adventure. You never know from one day to the next what you’re gonna find.  But who cares. The fun is in the tasting…or in our case…the living. What’s the good of having things if you can’t have them out to enjoy them.

I can say this and mean it since the Chicklets are at church and not banging away on the drums (one of the advantages of having them in the bedroom was that you could shut the door to drown out some of the noise).

I’ll just turn up the volume on my laptop when I’m listening to KnittingRose or Stitch-It and live my somewhat happy-go-lucky life.

Martha Stewart can have her pristine house. I’ll keep my lived-in, not-so-fancy, redneck home.