Here she goes again, you’re probably thinking…another “how-to” blog.
Hey, can I help it if I like to share all of the tips and tricks of living?
But, lest you think that this is going to turn into some sort of Richard Simmons video, think again.
My way, of course, is much more practical.
I mean, what have you really accomplished if you stay in your house working out to a 60-minute exercise video?
Good gravy.
Here is my tried and true formula for ridding yourself of half your body weight.
Yes, you read that right.
Half.
First, you get woken up by a sarcastic 16 year-old boy who threatens to drag you out of bed if you don’t get up in time to take him to the all-day Saturday band practice-a-thon.
You can burn a lot of calories chasing said child around the house with a frying pan.
Next, you make the prudent decision to not crawl back into bed when you get home but, instead, start up your lawn mower and awaken your neighbors.
Did you know you can burn TONS of calories as they chase you down the street?
Next, you mow two strips of your yard before one of the wheels falls off…
Make sure you stomp up and down twenty times in frustration. This burns at least a thousand calories per jump.
Call Home Depot to make sure it has your wheel in stock and argue with the clerk that no, you do not want to drive to the store to see what’s on the shelf. You are in the middle of mowing and that is what a telephone is for, thank-you-very-much.
Then, rifle through your appliance manuals because you are very organized and give the man the parts number.
You will burn a few hundred calories when you gloat over the fact that yes, you were right to call because Home Depot does not carry this part.
However, the clerk is a nice guy, and after he gives you the name and number of a local business that might be able to help you, you hang up and exercise your fingers by dialing the new number.
My estimates show that you burn at least fifty calories in this simple action alone.
Before you leave, march into the bedroom to inform the other adult in the house that you are leaving, only to find said adult deep in snore land.
Resentment burns a gazillion and a half calories, people, so stew on it while you drive to the parts place.
Of course, the parts place is situated across the street from the paper mill, which stinks to high heaven.
Chalk up another hundred calories for holding your nose as you walk to and from your car.
Don’t forget the fifty calories you nix when pulling out your VISA card to pay for this unexpected expense that started by a simple desire to mow the grass.
See how this is all starting to come together?
Once you get home, you inspect the old wheel.
Time to drag out the big guns to get that bolt off…
Those tools must weigh at least thirty pounds, so you’ve just burned another hmmm hmmm calories carrying them from the garage to the yard.
Once again, aggravation sets in as you try to figure out how to use said tools, but then you feel elation when the Ah Ha Moment hits…
With a little help from the neighbor, who kindly stopped and offered to help put the bolt back on, the mower is now ready to go…
Pat yourself on the back and burn a few more calories.
Then, turn and look at the rest of your yard and stomp up and down a few more times. You have a lot of work ahead of you…
So, after getting the front yard done, you are halfway home.
Just think! You’ve just lost 1/4 of your body weight!
Yay for you!
You go inside and let your pups out. You quickly realize that the back yard is probably going to be the death of you.
You watch as Aubie does her “business,” and you realize that she has the privacy she has probably dreamed of all of her life. Nobody can see much of her because the weeds are so tall.
Grumble a few times. This burns calories.
Then, take several pictures of the dogs just because they are cute…
Loving on your pets is worth at least 500,000 calories.
Trust me. I know this. I have three of them. That’s how I keep my girlish figure.
Stop wallowing in the joy of knowing that you’ve just burned a lot of calories. We still have work to do.
Did you know you burn calories when you cry? Have yourself a good pity party because you now realize that the weeds are up to your waist (if you’re short like me), and it is going to take you forever and a day to get it mowed.
Cry a little while you’re pushing your way through the jungle. It’s overwhelming to be taking on such a task, and you know you’ve got loads of lesson plans to write.
Ok. If you’re not a teacher, you’ll have to pretend. Or, you can cry for me, because I always have lesson plans to write.
There ‘ya go. Empathy.
Burns a lot of calories, so run with that thought.
Push and pull your way around the yard.
Trust me. You have to do it this way.
Unless you like starting the mower over and over again because it keeps conking out on you because there is too much grass under the blade.
If you want to burn more calories, then by all means, keep restarting that machine. It’s all about the end result, right?
Don’t forget to go inside for a couple of water breaks.
Look for your significant other (SO) who will probably be watching TV or doing some other non-sweaty sort of thing.
Growl at them when they say something bright like, “That is just miserable out there.”
Mumbling not-so-nice things back scores extra calories.
That’s right. Blame your meanness on the calories.
Once you’re finished mowing, you still need to edge the yard.
More calories…
Then, you need to sweep all of the clippings.
Say “no” when the SO offers to help with this. By now, you’re so peeved excited about losing weight that you don’t want that person’s help. Plus, doing it yourself ensures that you burn off a few more calories.
When you are completely finished, go inside and admire your svelte you.
You earned the right to gloat.
Let me know if this diet plan worked for you. Did you lose half of your body weight, or did you wind up getting a divorce from all of the grumbling you did?
Either way, you’re half the size you were when you started!
Richard Simmons could have taken a page from my book. It would have saved him the embarrassment of wearing those striped red and white shorts!!!
Filed under: This-n-That | Tagged: lose weight | 3 Comments »
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