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You Don’t Need to be Afraid

Saturday was a somewhat lazy day for me.  I’d woken up with the beginnings of a migraine thanks to an incoming storm system, so I laid low all day knitting and watching TV.

After cleaning up my DVR’d shows, I decided to look at Netflix, where I found The King’s Speech, a movie I had not, to date, seen yet.

As an avid history buff, this film appealed to me.  I’d taken two British history classes during my return to college, so I knew the topic matter of the movie would be right up my alley.

As I’m sure I’m probably one of the last people to see the movie, I’m sure you already know how amazing it is!

The story of Prince Albert/King George VI’s effort to overcome his stammering problem was incredibly heartbreaking and inspiring.

I watched a documentary about his life after the movie was over, mainly out of curiosity about how the real facts lined up with those detailed in the movie.

I wasn’t disappointed.

It’s not often when a movie makes me cry.  I am not ashamed to admit that this one led to a few tears.

I was especially touched by Lionel Logue’s therapy, which focused on the underlying issues that had originally led to the King’s stammer.

If you’ve seen the movie, you already know that the King endured a very strict upbringing, was mistreated by a nanny, was forced to write with his right hand instead of his left, which he was predisposed to, and grew up feeling unloved and unvalidated by his father.

It’s no wonder he stammered!  His stammering was a physical manifestation of the internal turmoil he had faced for years!

As Lionel worked with the King to prep him for one of his most famous speeches ever, the one he made as England was entering WWII, Lionel uttered words that struck a chord in my heart.

He said, “You don’t need to be afraid of the things you were afraid of when you were five.”

Those words made me cry.

My church is currently studying the book, Life’s Healing Choices.

It’s not a book study for the faint-of-heart because it requires asking yourself very difficult questions…digging deep to get to the root of the things that have led to hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

Lately, a few of my posts have dealt with some of my deepest hurts…those related to issues I’ve had with my mom.

During Friday’s small group meeting, I shared that my biggest worry is being rejected by my children.

Truth be told, rejection by others, in general, is a worry for me.

I think my worries go back to being rejected as a child.

When I reconciled with my father, years after he and my mom had divorced and when my children were in elementary school, he told me that a woman who had been taking care of my sister and me had tried to adopt us.  I don’t know/remember all of the details, but apparently my mom had taken us to her to care for us for awhile.  Ultimately, this woman, to whom I actually spoke with years later on the phone, was not able to adopt us.

Learning of this was terribly upsetting and added more baggage to the pile that had been growing ever since I was a child…when I could see my mom favoring my sister, her job, her friends, or her house over me.  This treatment continued into adulthood, which is why I finally quit speaking to her.

It’s hard to be rejected by someone who is supposed to love you.

The rejection I experienced from my mom has led me to close my heart off to many people around me.

The only people I fully give my heart to are my children.

For everyone else, I close off part of my heart to protect it.  I don’t love as fully as I should.

I suspect that a big reason why I am so anti-social is because I lack self-confidence.

When you are rejected, you blame yourself.

You don’t feel good enough to stand with others.

You become awkward, which makes everything even worse.

It becomes easier to be alone.

As the King’s stammer was his tangible manifestation of his hurts, my closed-off heart and inability to love and trust fully are the way I have dealt with the rejection I’ve experienced.

Watching the movie was a painful experience for me.  I know I can’t especially empathize with a member of royalty as far as the stresses of being groomed for that kind of position in society goes; however, I can relate to the human need for love and acceptance, which was so clearly missing in this man’s young life and, most likely, responsible for the speech impediment he suffered from.

Those words, “You don’t need to be afraid of the things you were afraid of when you were five,” echoed long after the scene had ended.

I don’t have to fear rejection any more.

I don’t have to worry about someone or something being placed as greater importance than me.

My mom has no hold over me any more.

I am a Daughter of the King.

He will never reject me.

I don’t have to prove my worth to him by keeping a clean house, starched shirts, or perfect lesson plans.

I don’t have to be a gifted orator or win teacher of the year (I would love to win the cruise that goes with this award though!).

All I have to do is allow God to love me…

To heal me…

To help me forget the hurts that tie me down to a past that is LONG OVER.

You’d think that at the age of 44, I’d quit rehashing this stuff, but I think that’s why people like me need to do these Bible studies…

Because there’s always more work to be done.

All praise be to God for His grace and patience as I continue to work on becoming more like Him.


A Garden Springing Up

The pastors at my church are currently working through a series of sermons based on the book, Life’s Healing Choices:  Freedom from your Hurts, Hangups, and Habits, by John Baker.

We are going over the study guides in our Small Groups.  The Mr. and I attend one that meets on Friday nights.  We’re up to chapter two.

I’ve been reading along on the Kindle version, and let me tell you, this is an emotionally-charged book.

It’s dredging up a lot of painful memories.  The questions are difficult, but to answer less than truthfully would be dishonest and would hinder my recovery process.

A big thing we’ve been covering the past two weeks is control…how we want to control the things in our lives but can’t.

This is difficult for me, a self-professed control freak.

The hardest part, though is going back and looking at the things I’ve been through that I had no control of.  It is those things that have led to the hurts, hangups, and habits in my life.

It is those things that have led me to lead a life full of various fears.

During last week’s Small Group, the question was asked, “What is your greatest fear?”

I didn’t share.  At the time, I couldn’t really pinpoint one main fear; however, now that a few days have passed, I think I know what my main fear is.

I fear that my children will reject me, despite my desperate and flawed attempts to be a good mother.

If you’ve been reading my blog long, you already know that my relationship with my mom is nonexistent.  The separation happened gradually, over the course of my entire life.  The final break, though, has occurred within the last year and a half.

She has hurt me so many times that I just couldn’t take any more.

Over the last twenty-seven years, the Mr. has had to help me pick up the pieces of my heart more times than I can count, and quite honestly, the Super Glue we’ve been using to patch up the cracks finally ran out.

Her life choices led to things happening to me that I couldn’t control and that I still suffer the affects from.

Last week, I got very frustrated during Small Group…not with my friends, but with the thoughts that were going through my head.

I got aggravated because of the injustice of it all.

I think it’s unfair that my mom’s failings have led to so much hurt in my own life…when I didn’t get to choose those things…things that no child should ever have to face.

Then, one of my friends gently reminded me that God used those things to make me who I am today.

True statement.

I reflected on my teaching…the way I am able to connect with children who come from homes where they are not properly taken care of…where they are neglected…where they don’t have a father, a mother, or sometimes neither parent.

I seriously doubt if I’d be able to empathize with my students had I not gone through the trials of my early life.

It’s funny (not the best choice of words) how you think you’re over something and, once you start digging, you realize that you’re not.

That’s the hangup part of the study.

As to my greatest fear?

Well, I just pray that my children will see that, despite the parenting mistakes I’ve made over the years, I do love them, try to be there for them, and do my best to treat them equally.

On Sunday, one of the songs we sang was Gungor’s Beautiful Things.

I’ve posted the video for this song before, but I thought I’d share it again because it fits the topic of this post so well.

As we sang, I am not ashamed to say that tears flowed from my eyes.  The truth of the words hit my heart pretty hard.

God does make beautiful things come up from old, tired, worn-out ground.

He can lay a plow to the ground, uproot all of the weeds and things we don’t see below the surface, and plant new, beautiful, fragrant flowers.

I will never, ever claim that it is my own efforts that get me through each struggle.

I know that I am not strong enough.

God is, though, and I am so thankful for His strong arms…for His wisdom…for His love…that see me through each challenge and turns my struggles into a beautiful new garden.


“Beautiful Things”

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

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