You know…sometimes I don’t get myself…
Or rather, I get myself, only after the fact.
Do you ever say something, don’t think about what you’re saying, but then think about it later and smack yourself on the forehead with a “Boy, you’re stupid” comment?
Yeah.
I did that yesterday.
Something I’ve noticed, on and off, about myself is that sometimes, when someone says something, I follow up with some sort of personal comment that’s almost like I’m trying to equal or one-up the person’s comment.
I’ve done some reflection each time I’ve noticed myself doing it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s my way of trying to draw attention to myself.
Ouch.
That’s embarrassing to admit to myself and even more so to type.
I really, really loathe this about myself because really, in all honesty, I prefer to stay in the background.
Really, I’m not very confident.
Oh sure, I might come across as loud (or obnoxious, as Chicky has mentioned a time or two).
Perhaps it’s the result of growing up not very popular and feeling like I was second best to those closest to me. It’s almost like I need to stand out, and my talking is the way to do so.
Every reason I come up with points back to me and my own selfishness.
Which is why I know that sometimes I try to dominate a conversation, without meaning to.
I like the times that I’m aware of this flaw and purposely set out to ask others more questions about themselves and then actually sit back quietly and listen to their answers.
In fact, one of my coworkers recently mentioned how, when I’d met her husband a few weeks ago, she’d never heard him talk so much to someone he didn’t even know.
I’d asked him questions, that’s why.
I hate how the moments I finally “get” myself are late at night, long after the selfish words have been spoken, and I can’t apologize immediately to the person I’ve spoken the words to.
I guess that’s just the Lord working on my heart, convicting me, and challenging me to slow down and think before I speak.
It’s a lesson I am frustratingly slow to learn.
Learning how to sit back quietly and allow others to do the talking…it’s not something I do well but see others master beautifully.
Perhaps…
One day.
Filed under: This-n-That | Tagged: selfishness | 4 Comments »
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