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Muscle Man

Posted on August 31, 2010 by auburnchick

Tuesdays and Thursdays are Rooster’s band practice days.

These are the days when I pick him up from school at 5:30.

Oy, but what fun.

Actually, it is fun.  I get to see many of the students I have subbed for over the last two years, and now that I am teaching at another school, this is a good chance to reconnect with them.

The only bad thing about these afternoons is the funk that accompanies such reunions.

If you were not in the band or never had the pleasure of being a band mom, allow me to explain.

See, marching bands have to practice their halftime shows for the football games they will be playing at.

To do this, they need large spaces to practice their formations.

Large spaces exist outdoors.

In Florida, this means practicing in heat and humidity.

By the time students walk off of the field from practice, their clothes are drenched in sweat.

Their bodies don’t smell all that good either.

To keep cool, a lot of the kids roll their sleeves up to their shoulders.

Hey, every little bit helps, right?

Today, I got to the school early, so I waited in the band room (a huge thanks to the mom who let me in).  It was way cooler inside.

Finally, the kids began arriving to put their instruments away.

It took a few minutes before Rooster entered.

I almost did not recognize him.

He is right at six feet tall now, so he stands above a lot of the other kids.

But it wasn’t his face that caused me to take a second look (although I did notice the new glasses he is sporting these days…very fine indeed).

No.  What caught my attention were his upper arms.

I looked again to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.

Nope.

You guys…my skinny minny boy has the beginnings of deltoids.

What are deltoids?

Deltoids are the muscles that sit at the top of your shoulder blade and run down to your biceps.

Not only does Rooster have discernible upper arm muscles, but I think I might have seen the barest hint of a bicep…

Ok, so that picture is not Rooster’s body, and it is exaggerating the size of the muscles I saw.

But still…

Try to imagine a beanpole.

Now, imagine a beanpole carrying around a set of tenor drums…

Psych!

Gotcha!

Bet you thought that was Rooster!  heehee

Alas, no, it’s not him, but that is the type of drum set he carried around all summer during band camp.

It’s no wonder he is becoming a muscle man.

Someone, please stop time.  I want my little boy back — the one who, when his “muscles” were flexed, only showed his bones covered in skin.

Oy!  What’s a mom to do?

Actually, I know.

I’m going to get Mr. Muscle Man to start doing all of the heavy lifting around here!

Now that’s using my brain muscle!

Filed under: children | Tagged: , | Leave a comment »

Sing-Along With AuburnChick

Posted on August 30, 2010 by auburnchick

I finally uploaded the videos I took during the various Christian concerts I attended almost two weeks ago.

First, here’s Amy Grant singing a classic oldie.  Sing with me…”Love will find a way…”

Did you sing?  No?  Then you missed out on the one and only chance to actually sing with Amy Grant AND me!  If you listened closely enough, you might have been able to discern my voice.

No, it wasn’t the sound of an angel but more like a wounded pigeon that ate too much bread from a tourist.

WHATEVER.

I had fun, so there!

Next on the playlist is actually a short video of the people who stood in front of me during the Chris Tomlin concert.  They were bopping up and down doing the “white boy pogo stick” dance that Chris instructed the audience to do…

Now you are privy to part of Chris’ famous song, “Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone.”  This is probably one of my favorite songs EVER!

Sorry for the unsteady hand.  It’s really hard to hold a camera steady when your heart is about to beat right out of your chest!

Next up is a very small snippet of Michael W. Smith’s “River is Rising.”

And last but not least, this is part of MWS’ song “Friends are Friends Forever.”  Oh boy, but this song makes me want to cry every time I hear it.  It is a reminder to me that though I might be separated from my friends on earth, I will be reunited with them once we are in heaven.

I have a particular attachment to this song for another reason.  It is the song I used for a video I made the summer I worked at my church’s preschool.  I had a wonderful class of kids, and it was a great way to spend the summer.  During those months, one of my children lost her father to cancer.  The mom and I got to know each other pretty well.  We saw each other at swim meets and other school functions, and I always asked about her youngest daughter, my student.  We had that bond.  Last year, the mom passed away very unexpectedly, leaving five children orphaned, and my heart absolutely broke.  You might remember me blogging about it.

So, this song brings back those memories as well.

Gee, but I am a downer, eh?

Actually, I’m not, for this song gives me hope.  Please enjoy the rather brief portion I recorded (I did you the favor of not singing along to this one)…

Filed under: Christian | Tagged: , , , | Leave a comment »

How are You Today?

Posted on August 29, 2010 by auburnchick

Sundays are amazing.

These are the days when I get to sleep in a little later than weekdays and then attend church.  The worship songs lift my soul, and then my wonderful pastors reveal great truths.

Oftentimes, I find big lessons in the offhand things that are said.

Such as today.

Folks, I think I finally figured out why I scare people away.

It all boils down to one question:

“How are you today?”

I am sure that we can all attest to the fact that we hear this question at least a half-dozen times a day.

And most people, I’m sure, respond with a well-rehearsed, “I’m fine, and you?”

There have been many times when I have answered this way when, in fact, I felt totally the opposite.

And you know what?

I felt like a total fake for saying those words.

So, one day, I stopping answering this way if I didn’t really mean it.

I did the unpardonable.

I starting answering honestly.

Some of my responses?

“I’ve had better days.”

“I’m not feeling all that well today.”

Or, on one of my most emotionally draining days…

“It’s funny you should ask.  See, I was on my way to work, but I had to stop and take my dogs, rats, and bunny to the boarding facility, and then when I took Molly in, I left the other two in the car, and when I got out, I found my Chicky’s sweet bunny dead in the back of the car because the two dogs had pushed her cage open and chased her around until her tiny little heart gave out.  Oh, by the way, how are you?”

Thud.

Yes, folks, that really did happen, and that “thud” was the look that crossed the face of the people who asked (and I encountered many people that day thanks to it being the day before Christmas break and having a soccer game to attend that night).

It’s no wonder that this morning, when my pastor made the great announcement that, “How are you today?” is simply a greeting and not an invitation to spill one’s guts, that I thought to myself, “Whoa!  Maybe this is why your’s truly does not have a lot of friends.”

Seriously, folks.

But see, here’s the rub.

When I ask that question, I am sincere.  I DO want to know how a person is doing, and not in a superficial way either.  I care so much for people that it matters to me if they are having a bad day.

This is how I empathize with people.  I now can direct my prayers toward a specific purpose.

Oh I know…we don’t all have time to stand around and listen to each other’s problems.  But what if we took an five extra minutes?

Do you know what happens?

It creates a personal connection with the person you are listening to.

We often discover that while we thought we were the only ones who had such-and-such issue, we are, in fact, not alone.

I remember when this happened one day at the school.

Someone asked me, “How are you today,” and I answered honestly, of course.

As the conversation grew, I shared a few things I had not shared with others (this was a closer friend, by the way).

She looked at me and said, “Oh my gosh!  You always look so put together, and everything always looks like it’s going perfectly for you.  I am so relieved to know that you feel this way too!”

And now, when I see this lady, we smile a secret smile, knowing we share a bond that nobody else does.

Think about this the next time you ask someone that question.  Ask yourself if you really want to hear the truth.  Prepare yourself, in fact.  You never know the friendship that might come about because of it.

Filed under: This-n-That | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

How Is Chicky Doing?

Posted on August 28, 2010 by auburnchick

When last you heard of Chicky, she was giving Your’s Truly a wave goodbye as she walked into the unknown world of college life.

That was four weeks ago.

I am fortunate in that Chicky’s coach’s wife is a maniac where it comes to picture-taking.  In fact, she reminds me a lot of myself…the self-professed mom of the group.

I am so thankful for this.

She uploads pictures to a team’s website on a regular basis.

So, I’ve become a picture-stalker, watching that URL for any updates.

One of the first things that Chicky did with her team was to travel to North Carolina for a team retreat.  The coaches took away the girs’ cell phones, and they spent the entire time participating in team-bonding exercises.  They had devotions, went tubing, played Capture the Flag, and practiced soccer.  With that many girls together, I’m 100% positive that there were a lot of giggles along the way.

When they returned, they played a couple of friendlies (games against other teams that don’t count against the win/loss record).

One thing that impressed me immediately was how the teams prayed together after the game…

During the couple of weeks before classes started, the team had three-a-days (practices three times a day).

This is one of those times I thank my lucky stars I was uncoordinated as a child.  I could have never handled getting all sweaty three times 24 hours!!

The girls received their team uniforms and posed for pictures…

Of course, they are girls and – well – they had to act a little silly too…

Now, although you don’t know which girl is Chicky, it is clear to see that every single girl is sporting a smile.  That means that my Chicky is in there…having a GREAT time.

When Chicky changed her mind about Rollins, I had a very hard time.  You probably remember that.

Now, though, I have accepted the change wholeheartedly.

How could I not when I see pictures of the girls praying together…laughing together.  Someone even took the picture of the back of a Southeastern shirt…

Who can argue with a message like that?

I know that Chicky is where she is supposed to be.  In fact, I do not even worry about her because of the support system she has in the other girls.

Sometimes, a picture can speak a thousand words…

Chicky has been a busy girl – forging strong relationships that will last a lifetime.

Filed under: soccer | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Week 4 of Teaching

Posted on August 27, 2010 by auburnchick

First of all, let’s all do the Happy Dance.

Yes, Friday has finally arrived (or it might just be Saturday before I finish typing this post).

I just finished Week 4 of my first year of teaching, and all I have to say is WOW!

After last weekend’s Christian Concert Series, I did not hold out much hope for this week.

I mean…I scarcely had time to organize my lesson plans, so I had no idea what the week would be like.

Fortunately, I did have first and second periods set, as I had spent a couple of hours on Sunday working out the how’s and what’s for those classes.

I’m sure my students wish I had not come down from the natural high I had been on from worshiping God in music.

Monday morning arrived, and I met the day head-on, armed with vocabulary packets, blogging procedures, and a host of other handouts.

Apparently, Mrs. AuburnChick had borrowed the shoemaker’s elves and produced fine works of art during the middle of the night.

My students were not amused.

I’ll just summarize by saying that everyone survived the week, even though one of my classes was shocked silly by my vocabulary test which, by the way, was not “matching” or “fill-in-the-blank” nor will it ever be.

Oh yeah.  Can you say SAT words and h-a-r-d?

Several failed the first test.  I will be allowing next week’s test scores to replace this week’s…a one time deal and an act of mercy.

I’m tough.

That’s why they pay me the not-so-big-bucks.

My students learned that I have set the bar high.  It was a tough but necessary lesson.

But, my students weren’t the only ones who learned important lessons this week.

I learned that there are many things people don’t tell you about teaching.

You have to be firm but flexible, wiling to allow unexpected teachable moments to interrupt carefully-prepared-for lesson plans.  The best teachers recognize and take advantage of these.

I learned that it is okay to scrap a lesson plan if I see it as being way beyond the scope of what my students can handle.  Sure, it might mean eating crow, apologizing to the kids for throwing Romeo and Juliet out at them when all they can handle is Bambi.

The willingness to recognize a bad decision and go back to the drawing board speaks volumes.

I have learned that being a good teacher is about being consistent and reliable.  This week, I witnessed, firsthand, kids who act like angels in my classroom going all daffy in another.  Where is the consistency?  Well, it’s in my classroom as well as my friend, Jane’s.  The kids know that we’re there when the bell rings, and they are expected to act in a certain manner once they enter.  Life runs much smoother that way.

One thing that I didn’t have to learn but the point was driven in was that student-teacher relationships are very important.

One of my ninth grade students is struggling right now.  My expectations are high, and I know this class is comprised of extremely intelligent young people (in fact, every single one of my students are bright).  After class ended, she told me that every day, she goes home with a “thinking headache.”

I had to laugh.

I told her that she should try teaching five classes and spending 14 hours a day working.  Talk about a thinking headache!

But then, before she left, she told me, in a quiet voice, “I didn’t want to say this in front of anyone, but I love you.”

Be-still my beating heart.

This gal and I had bonded the first day we met.

She’s a sweetie, even I do fry her brain every day.

But she forgives me for making her think.

Because she loves me, and she knows I love her in return.

And because she knows I have her best interest at heart.

How many people go into teaching because they think of it as a career?

These are the people who burn out quickly or who turn into power-seeking tyrants whose kingdoms consist of their classroom’s four walls.

Where is the relationship?  Where is the natural affection?

Many students do not flourish in such an environment.

Remember my classroom motto?

Bloom where you are planted.

Week 4 of teaching is still too early to see any flowers cropping up.

I do see green shoots of life pushing through the earth, though.

Week 4 of teaching…everything I’ve ever hoped for and more than I ever dreamed could happen.

Just like my students, my green shoots are starting to poke through as well.

Filed under: Teaching | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Random Dozen

Posted on August 25, 2010 by auburnchick

I am loving having Linda back!  Please join in the fun.  Just copy the questions, answer them on your own blog, and visit Linda to link back!

1. What is your favorite Mexican dish?

I really love nachos.  I don’t know authentic this dish is, but when I think Mexican, I instantly want nachos…loaded.  But, truth be told, my absolutely favorite part of a Mexican meal is the chips and salsa that are served before!  I can make a meal out of them!

2. When you were a kid, did you get started on your homework right away after school, or did you procrastinate?

I am a nerd.  I will admit that I eagerly went home and started the work immediately.  Plus, I had no social life to speak of, so what else was I going to do?

3. What is your favorite store for home furnishings?

I haven’t bought home furnishings in a long time, but when I did, I loved Rooms to Go.  The furniture wasn’t too expensive, and the payment plans were awesome!  The Mr. and I always took advantage of the various “Wait to Pay” deals.  We used that time to earn a penny or two on our money and then pay off the bill when it came due.  We furnished quite a few rooms this way, and we still have the furniture!

4. When you were young, did you like school lunches?

I think I was too poor to buy the lunches.  I distinctly remember eating quite a few bologna sandwiches.  I will tell you one thing.  The smell of the lunchroom always made me nauseous, so that probably played a role in me not hounding my mom for lunch money.

5. Is religion a crutch?

I think it can be for many people.  We always need to inspect our motives and thought processes to ensure we aren’t using religion as an excuse for things.

6. In your region, what is the “big” (most popular in the community or state) high school sport?

I live in the South where football is King.  Baseball runs a close second.

7. Do you consider yourself rich?

I am rich in non-monetary ways.  I have an abundance of blessings, including my family and, quite simply, the Lord’s presence itself.  Although I only have a few close friends, they are extremely precious to me.

8. Which of these would you have the best chance for success in administering:
A) CPR
B) Heimlich Maneuver
C) Changing a flat tire

Well, knowing my penchant for fixing things, I’d have to say changing a flat tire.  Of course, I am so petite, that I am positive that someone would see me struggling with the tire and stop to help.  So, in that way, I would also be successful!  heehee

9. Which dance would you prefer to learn & why:
A) Salsa
B) Hip Hop
C) Waltz
D) Swing

Although I am, at times, delusional and think I can shake my hips like Shakira, I am also realistic enough to realize that I would probably be better off learning the Waltz.  It is a beautiful dance.  Plus, it doesn’t require moves that I would hurt myself executing.  I do tend to be accident-prone.

10. What’s the worst news you’ve ever delivered to someone?

When Chicky was in 9th grade, she got hurt during a soccer game.  The MRI was not conclusive, so we opted for surgery.  I was in the recovery room as she awakened from anesthesia, and the first thing she asked was if her ACL was torn.  I had to answer in the affirmative and watch as she sobbed.  My heart broke for her.

11. Name something you learned in college that had nothing to do with classes or academics.

Tough question!  Especially for a gal who did not get to go away to college like most kids.  I guess the biggest lesson I learned was always make sure I have my shoes on when I leave the house.  Allow me to explain.

After high school, I attended a junior college that was located 45 minutes away.  Every morning, I met a group of friends at the halfway point, and we carpooled the rest of the way together.

One morning, I woke up late, dressed in a hurry, and hopped in the car.

It wasn’t until I got ready to jump in my friend’s car that I realized I had forgotten to grab a pair of shoes.  I had, in fact, driven barefoot.

We ran to another friend’s house where I had to settle for a pair of boots that were a size too small.  I was mortified!  I was wearing a pair of shorts, so the little black boots stuck out like a sore thumb.  I was already geeky and very unsure of myself.  I’m sure I looked very strange limping my way to my classes with that stupid pair of boots on in the middle of summer.

Lesson learned.  I never forgot my shoes again.

12. New variation on an old question: If there’s a song in your head that just won’t get out, what is your favorite (or most repeated) line in that song?

Today, the Beatles’ song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” was running through my head.  I think I started singing it (out loud) when one of my classes started complaining about the work I was giving out.  I do not know any of the lyrics except the famous line that matches the title.

Yeah, I’m sympathetic like that.  heehee

Filed under: This-n-That | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Day 3

Posted on August 24, 2010 by auburnchick

Sunday, Day 3 of the Christian Concert Series, loomed, and I’d venture to bet that there wasn’t a single person out there who was more excited than Your’s Truly.

I started off the day by attending church.  The sermon was out-of-this world (I’ll share details some time soon).  Afterward, I went home and worked on lesson plans.  But, I kept my eye on the clock.

I had a date…a date with destiny.

Ok…not really.

But I did have a date, kind-of.

Ms. A, the friend I attended Day 2 with, and I had made plans to attend Sunday’s festivities, and this time, it was my turn to drive.

I was psyched.

I was also a bit concerned.  The weather forecast called for rain, and the skies looked ominous again.

We had left early because we anticipated a large crowd.

Boy, was that an understatement…

We found a spot near where we had sat the evening before.  However, by the time the crowd completely filled in, we were in the front third of the audience…that’s how many people there were.

When we arrived, we saw our friends R and T.  The were on a hot date…or should I say humid date…

Normally, I don’t post my friends’ pictures, but after I took this, T said, “Oh, did we make your blog?”  So, of course, I took that to mean I had her permission.

Isn’t her smile pretty?  She oozes Christian love, as does the rest of her family.

They were not the only lovey-dovey couple I saw.  Take a look at the people who sat in front of me…

As we waited, we chatted.  We saw a lot of other people we knew.  It’s not often…make that never…that Podunk, USA hosts an event like this.

First on the bill was Dr. Randy Carlson, host of Family Life Radio’s program, Intentional Living.

Although I am not fond of “self-help” studies, I did find him inspirational.  He is very Christ-centered and bases his teachings on the Bible.  Good stuff, people.

Then, we had to wait a spell while technicians set up for the next performer.

My stomach tightened in anticipation.

And then, it was time.

Look who came on stage…

AMY GRANT!!!!

This was a huge deal for me because she was the first Christian artist I remember listening to.

In fact, I remember the first time I ever heard one of her songs.  I was in the car, with my youth group (which consisted of exactly five people because I grew up in One Traffic Light, USA)  en-route to the very beach on which I was now standing.  Someone popped a cassette into the tape player (remember the days before CDs and MP3s?).

I had no idea who she was, but I took an instant liking to her because she was the first person who didn’t sound like she was humming elevator music.  Christian music suddenly became “cool.”

Her first two or three songs were some of the oldies…the lyrics of which I had long, long ago committed to memory…

It was at this point that some people in the crowd decided to sit down.

Not me, baby.

Oh no.  I kept standing, swaying my body and singing at the top of my lungs (a huge apology to those who were unlucky enough to hear me).  Though I had not heard the songs in some time, the words instantly came back.

“Love Will Find a Way”

“Baby, Baby”

She even sang a song from her new album.  I had not heard it yet, but I loved it, and so did the crowd.

Sing it sister, I wanted to holler.

Maybe I did.

I don’t remember.

I snapped photos and immediately looked at them to make sure they turned out.  I quickly realized that Ms. Grant sings with her eyes closed…a lot…

Interesting, eh?  This made it difficult to snap a decent picture, but hey.  They’re her songs, and that’s her band.  She can sing however she wants.

Her voice was as lovely as what I’ve heard on my CDs.

After she had finished her set, we had to wait, again, while the next artist’s technicians set up.

Oy…my nerves were literally on edge.

The crowd continued to expand as more and more people arrived.

R and T decided to leave early, though.  We bid them a fond farewell and then moved up into the space they had just vacated.

And then finally, the absolute HIGHLIGHT of the entire weekend…

Look who graced Podunk, USA with his presence…

Do you know who this is?

No?

How about a couple more pictures…I have lots (evil grin)…

Ok…I’ll spill.

I felt incredibly privileged to be in a crowd the size of Aruba, listening to MICHAEL W. SMITH!!!!!!

Way…no way!!!!

It was, by far, the way coolest thing ever!!!!

This man can belt out some tunes, let me tell you, and he constantly gives praise to God while doing so…

He had the crowd jumping, waving their arms, and lifting their hands in praise…

He sang oldies and goodies…there was something for everyone…

I do not often get star-struck, but I’ll admit that on this night, I was smitten.  MWS is very charismatic.  You instantly sense how deeply he is devoted to his faith.  His desire to serve the Lord through his amazing musical skills shone forth through every note he played…

For the record, no, I am not a stalker.  My soul was soaring far above the clouds that had, miraculously, failed to deposit their loads of rain on us.  I wanted to capture every moment, for who knows when this itsy bitsy corner of the world will see the likes of such fine singers again…

All too soon, the last notes faded, and Michael departed with a walk across the stage, waving as he went…

One would think that feelings of sadness would follow; however, such was not the case.

No.  My heart felt only an awakening and a pure joy that rarely has invaded its depths.

The crowd was treated to fireworks as a great send-off, and as each explosion set off a fiery display of beauty, I stood in awe and thankfulness…

I marveled at how I had spent the entire weekend praising God through song.  I wondered, “Will there be preaching in heaven?”

I think not.

I don’t think it will be necessary, for the reaping will be done by then.

All that will remain is worship…exactly what happened on the beach last weekend.

These are memories that will live in my heart for a very long time, if not forever.

Filed under: Christian | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Day 2 of the Christian Concert Series

Posted on August 23, 2010 by auburnchick

Saturday, Day 2 of the Christian Concert Series, could not get here quick enough for Your’s Truly.  After my horribly sweaty morning (see previous post), I looked forward to having the evening off.

First off, a HUGE thanks to BP – not for the oil spill, thank you very much, but for the mucho-bucko’s that it gave to many local agencies to drum up travel to the beautiful beaches that line our coastline.  My region of Florida relies heavily on tourism, and the oil spill made an already-hurting economy even more so.

I already told you about Point of Grace’s appearance on Friday night.

I had read estimates of 600 people showing up to hear them sing.

Saturday evening proved to be an entirely different ballgame.

By the time I arrived, perhaps an hour before showtime, the crowds were more than double from the previous night.

This time, I did not have to go alone as I sort-of invited myself to ride with another gal and her daughter.

Oops.

Heehee

We took our children, who are both in the band (her daughter is actually on the dance line), along with another young gent from the band, to the concert, where we saw a lot of other people from our church.

We were all there to hear one person sing.

Though the clouds were overcast, and the sky continued to sprinkle down small droplets of rain, people waited…

People lined the pier…

Finally, the wait was over, and I caught my first glimpse of…

CHRIS TOMLIN!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!!

Oh

My

Gosh.

This man can sing, let me tell you!

It did not take him long to get the crowd pumped up.  At times, we were jumping like, in his words, “White boy pogo sticks.”  Other times, people had their hands lifted in praise…

Most touching, to me, was the sight of so many young people.  They often had their arms around each other or their hands raised…

I don’t know why, but the following young gentleman frequently caught my attention…perhaps it was his youth, or perhaps it was simply the sight of him letting his emotions go…

As the evening wore on, Chris continued to play his guitar and sing…

Even his band mate worshiped…

An amazing thing happened as Mr. Tomlin performed.

The dark clouds dispersed, revealing one of the most glorious sunsets I’ve ever seen…

The pictures convey but a snippet of the emotions that ran, unchecked, through the crowd.

I have never, ever seen experienced anything like this.

Every single song was sung for the glory of God.

I believe I caught a glimpse of what heaven will be like, where all believers will stand together and give praise to the One who provides the rain and the rainbows and painted the beautiful sunsets I am privileged to see each day.

The experience took my breath away.

And this was only Day 2.

Day 3 was still to come…

Filed under: Christian | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Caught Up in the Moment

Posted on August 22, 2010 by auburnchick

Ring, Ring

Hello.

AuburnChick can’t come to the blog right now.  She’s still caught up in the moment after spending most of the weekend on the beach listening to the most amazing music ever.

She took lots of pictures and has lots to say, but she decided it had to wait until Monday because she still has three lesson plans to write.

Do come back so you can hear all about the fun she had!

Filed under: Christian | 2 Comments »

How To Lose Weight – The AuburnChick Way

Posted on August 21, 2010 by auburnchick

Here she goes again, you’re probably thinking…another “how-to” blog.

Hey, can I help it if I like to share all of the tips and tricks of living?

But, lest you think that this is going to turn into some sort of Richard Simmons video, think again.

My way, of course, is much more practical.

I mean, what have you really accomplished if you stay in your house working out to a 60-minute exercise video?

Good gravy.

Here is my tried and true formula for ridding yourself of half your body weight.

Yes, you read that right.

Half.

First, you get woken up by a sarcastic 16 year-old boy who threatens to drag you out of bed if you don’t get up in time to take him to the all-day Saturday band practice-a-thon.

You can burn a lot of calories chasing said child around the house with a frying pan.

Next, you make the prudent decision to not crawl back into bed when you get home but, instead, start up your lawn mower and awaken your neighbors.

Did you know you can burn TONS of calories as they chase you down the street?

Next, you mow two strips of your yard before one of the wheels falls off…

Make sure you stomp up and down twenty times in frustration.  This burns at least a thousand calories per jump.

Call Home Depot to make sure it has your wheel in stock and argue with the clerk that no, you do not want to drive to the store to see what’s on the shelf.  You are in the middle of mowing and that is what a telephone is for, thank-you-very-much.

Then, rifle through your appliance manuals because you are very organized and give the man the parts number.

You will burn a few hundred calories when you gloat over the fact that yes, you were right to call because Home Depot does not carry this part.

However, the clerk is a nice guy, and after he gives you the name and number of a local business that might be able to help you, you hang up and exercise your fingers by dialing the new number.

My estimates show that you burn at least fifty calories in this simple action alone.

Before you leave, march into the bedroom to inform the other adult in the house that you are leaving, only to find said adult deep in snore land.

Resentment burns a gazillion and a half calories, people, so stew on it while you drive to the parts place.

Of course, the parts place is situated across the street from the paper mill, which stinks to high heaven.

Chalk up another hundred calories for holding your nose as you walk to and from your car.

Don’t forget the fifty calories you nix when pulling out your VISA card to pay for this unexpected expense that started by a simple desire to mow the grass.

See how this is all starting to come together?

Once you get home, you inspect the old wheel.

Time to drag out the big guns to get that bolt off…

Those tools must weigh at least thirty pounds, so you’ve just burned another hmmm hmmm calories carrying them from the garage to the yard.

Once again, aggravation sets in as you try to figure out how to use said tools, but then you feel elation when the Ah Ha Moment hits…

With a little help from the neighbor, who kindly stopped and offered to help put the bolt back on, the mower is now ready to go…

Pat yourself on the back and burn a few more calories.

Then, turn and look at the rest of your yard and stomp up and down a few more times.  You have a lot of work ahead of you…

So, after getting the front yard done, you are halfway home.

Just think!  You’ve just lost 1/4 of your body weight!

Yay for you!

You go inside and let your pups out.  You quickly realize that the back yard is probably going to be the death of you.

You watch as Aubie does her “business,” and you realize that she has the privacy she has probably dreamed of all of her life.  Nobody can see much of her because the weeds are so tall.

Grumble a few times.  This burns calories.

Then, take several pictures of the dogs just because they are cute…

Loving on your pets is worth at least 500,000 calories.

Trust me.  I know this.  I have three of them.  That’s how I keep my girlish figure.

Stop wallowing in the joy of knowing that you’ve just burned a lot of calories.  We still have work to do.

Did you know you burn calories when you cry?  Have yourself a good pity party because you now realize that the weeds are up to your waist (if you’re short like me), and it is going to take you forever and a day to get it mowed.

Cry a little while you’re pushing your way through the jungle.  It’s overwhelming to be taking on such a task, and you know you’ve got loads of lesson plans to write.

Ok.  If you’re not a teacher, you’ll have to pretend.  Or, you can cry for me, because I always have lesson plans to write.

There ‘ya go.  Empathy.

Burns a lot of calories, so run with that thought.

Push and pull your way around the yard.

Trust me.  You have to do it this way.

Unless you like starting the mower over and over again because it keeps conking out on you because there is too much grass under the blade.

If you want to burn more calories, then by all means, keep restarting that machine.  It’s all about the end result, right?

Don’t forget to go inside for a couple of water breaks.

Look for your significant other (SO)  who will probably be watching TV or doing some other non-sweaty sort of thing.

Growl at them when they say something bright like, “That is just miserable out there.”

Mumbling not-so-nice things back scores extra calories.

That’s right.  Blame your meanness on the calories.

Once you’re finished mowing, you still need to edge the yard.

More calories…

Then, you need to sweep all of the clippings.

Say “no” when the SO offers to help with this.  By now, you’re so peeved excited about losing weight that you don’t want that person’s help.  Plus, doing it yourself ensures that you burn off a few more calories.

When you are completely finished, go inside and admire your svelte you.

You earned the right to gloat.

Let me know if this diet plan worked for you.  Did you lose half of your body weight, or did you wind up getting a divorce from all of the grumbling you did?

Either way, you’re half the size you were when you started!

Richard Simmons could have taken a page from my book.  It would have saved him the embarrassment of wearing those striped red and white shorts!!!

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