This has been an emotional week for me. Of course, the last few weeks have been much more of a roller-coaster ride than usual. I can’t really attribute it to PMS (or can I…maybe I should check my calendar).
Nope.
How much of it is due to having teens in the house? Probably some.
Truth be told, I think that God is taking a shovel to my heart and has started digging.
And I don’t like it one bit.
On Monday, I completely broke down while on the phone with my sister. I had called to vent about the latest crises (notice the plural) with Soccer Chick. You know us…it’s always something. At least the dogs hadn’t gotten out of the house yet.
Sister Chick listened, and then she asked a poignant question: “Do you want a listening ear, or do you want advice.”
Tough question.
I guess a little of both, I cautiously replied.
I heard the sound of a can opener…opening a can of worms, if you will.
She made her suggestions, to which I commented, and we began having a “discussion.”
You must first understand that Sister Chick is pretty cool. She’s three years younger than me, and we’ve been through our up’s and down’s. Mostly up’s, mind you. She’s a Christian…a prayer warrior. I admire her greatly. She’s gentle and somewhat reserved; whereas, I am not.
She offered some advice that I did not necessarily agree with, and I kind of said so. The line of communication almost broke down, but we dug in our heels and confronted our issues, working through them. I collapsed emotionally. I feel so beaten down. Things are difficult right now, and it’s hard to approach them from a Biblical perspective. The last thing I’m thinking of is how God is working on me.
Too painful…too much for right now.
I did feel better after our talk, and on I went through the next two days.
On Wednesday nights, I attend a women’s Bible study at my church. We’re studying the book of Luke. Easy enough, I thought when I started.
I think someone got confused and thought we were studying the book of Romans. I did a year-long study of that book, and it was rough…very convicting…tough sludge to walk through.
Luke certainly is not the piece of cake I expected. You’re used to reading the Christmas story. The beautiful nativity scene…yada, yada, yada.
Tonight was difficult for me. During our discussion, someone mentioned how it’s easier for us to love and forgive those outside of our family. I commented that it seems so contrary of how things ought to be. It should be easier to forgive those we love and to act kindly toward them, but that’s not the case. I then made the statement that I think the real me is the one others see at work. That’s where I feel free to be my happy self…kind to others…gentle…
The leader of our study turned to me and said, “AuburnChick, I’m about to say something that I hope you won’t find offensive.”
Uh oh…
“The real you is the one at home…the one you perceive in all of its ugliness.”
Tears…
I don’t want that to be me. Could she be right though?
Luke 6:46-49 talks about the wise man who, when preparing to build his home, digs deep before laying the foundation.
I think that, although my faith is firm and unshakable, God is digging deeper. In doing so, he’s got to get rid of the junk that’s currently there.
I gotta tell you that I don’t like it. It’s painful. I will admit that I am stubbornly holding onto those things. But if I do, how can He plant His Word deep into my heart. Space must be made. The icky inside of me must come out, bit by bit. It’s similar to getting a transplant, I guess — exchanging a malfunctioning part for one that works at optimum level. Unlike a transplant patient, someone forgot to give me anesthesia. I’m feeling every poke and prod.
Ouch.
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